Frances H. Kakugawa
Hawai‘i Herald Columnist
Omoiyari . . . Think of others first and good karma will return to you.
— Frances H. Kakugawa
Dear Frances,
My 92-year-old mom didn’t want anything for Christmas, so I decided to give her your book on Kapoho — it was the perfect gift!
My mom really enjoyed reading your book — she read it in three days. She told me she found your stories very interesting because she could relate to them, as they reminded her of [her] childhood days. She is now reading Atul Gawande’s book, “Being Mortal.” I think she will relate to that book, as well. So far, she told me she also finds it very interesting. I hope it doesn’t depress her.
I read the book and it made me realize that Mom is living Dr. Gawande’s book.
Rowena
O‘ahu
Dear Rowena,
Your mom is an inspiration to all of us. I hope “Being Mortal” will do for her what it did for me. I’m guessing that her thoughts and feelings are expressed in the book. What a good feeling it is to know that one is not alone. It’s a one-to-one support group for her. Since you have already read the book, you can use parts of it in conversations between the two of you. For example, what kind of doctor does she have — paternalistic, informative or interpretive? I can almost hear your conversation, analyzing her doctors. It’s a healthy kind of book that makes end-of-life issues so normal and noninvasive, allowing us to be proactive in seeking out the best care for our loved ones and ourselves.
Thank you, Rowena, for sharing your mother with us and for letting me know that some of my book reviews are helpful. Consider this for future light reading for your mom: There are some very good books written for young adults and children. I’m thinking of the children’s book, “Charlotte’s Web,” as a starter, or books by Roald Dahl. If you donate books to the libraries of nursing facilities, consider donating books about children and young adults, because they are still delightful and enjoyable. Some adult books with complicated plots and numerous characters may be difficult. And don’t forget poetry books. I still enjoy reading poems from my childhood: Wordsworth’s “I wandered lonely as a cloud . . .” or Rossetti’s “. . . When I am dead, my dearest, sing no sad songs for me . . .” Don’t forget to include Shel Silverstein’s poetry, as well.
Frances
Dear Frances,
The treasure of your brother’s signature in the yearbook from Pähoa that will go to your niece is so touching. Amazing karma. Thank you for Rowena’s story.
Linda
Hawai‘i
Dear Linda,
Thank you for your email. I wish more readers would respond. Many of us may feel that our experiences aren’t significant, but they are, and can give hope and even a ray of sunlight to others.
Frances
Dear Frances,
Bob is impossible at tooth-brushing time. His electric and manual toothbrushes and water pic are part of my arsenal, but he is resistant. Now it looks like he has a gum infection or a bad tooth. Do you know of a dentist that would take on someone with Alzheimer’s? I popped an antibiotic in him until I can get dental help Monday.
This looks like a major fight ahead and I need advice.
Mary
Sacramento, Calif.
Dear Mary,
I will call my dentist — he’s wonderful, and I hope he can see you both today. Will get back to you.
In the meantime, one caregiver said she used a water pic, because even with a closed mouth, she was still able to use the instrument.
Frances
I called my dentist, Dr. William Robison, at Dental Care in Sacramento. He was booked, but I explained the situation to Shelly at the front desk. I told her that Bob has Alzheimer’s and that his gum is bleeding, but he will not open his mouth. She gave Bob an appointment immediately and said the doctor would squeeze him in between his other appointments.
As it turned out, Dr. Robison spent over 40 minutes with Bob. Much to everyone’s surprise, Bob was cooperative and stayed in the chair with his mouth open, just like any other patient. Dr. Robison spoke to him gently and told him exactly what he was going to do. He took his time and didn’t rush, even though he had other patients who were kindly waiting for him. Bob’s hand was moving in time to the Christmas music in the background, so Dr. Robison mentioned the music to him.
Bob needs to go back so that Dr. Robison can fill a cavity. He let Mary look into Bob’s mouth and showed her how to clean his teeth. He also gave her samples of a mouthwash and other items. As Bob was leaving, he called out “Adios Amigo” (“Good-bye Friend”) to Dr. Robison. Stunned, Mary and I looked at each other, thinking, “Really?!”
When Bob got home, he went straight to the bathroom and for the first time in months did not need any help using the toilet. He seemed so happy after his visit with Dr. Robison. I kidded Mary and told her we should take Bob to Dr. Robison once a week.
Credit also goes to Shelly, who was compassionate and flexible enough to know when to break from following the office schedule. Shelly understood the potential health risk to Bob and squeezed him in. Think about it: How many times have we clashed with people who were so regimented and inflexible that they refused to use any common sense, thus leaving us thoroughly frustrated about their lack of humanity? I also know that Shelly acted as she did in large part because she understood Dr. Robison’s sense of humanity.
Bob’s previous appointment with another dentist had been a nightmare: His daughter ended up having to sit on him in order to keep him in the chair as Bob yelled and tried to climb out of the chair. Mary had expected a repeat of that disaster, but thanks to Dr. Robison, it didn’t happen.
Mary and Bob’s male caregiver went into the treatment room with Bob while I sat by the doorway. As it turned out, Bob and Dr. Robison didn’t need any of us.
And now it’s time for a commercial break . . .
I will be back in Hawai‘i for the release of my new book, titled “Dangerous Woman: Poetry for the Ageless.” I hope you will stop by one or more of the following locations to say “Hello
. . .” See you in Hawai‘i!
• Saturday, Feb. 24, 9:30-11:30 a.m. at Church of the Holy Nativity Main Sanctuary (5286 Kalanianaole Hwy., park across in the church parking lot): Keynote Address: “Dignity, Joy and Compassion in Giving Care.” Free, although RSVP requested. Please call Akira at (808) 373-2131, Monday through Thursday, 9 a.m. to 1 p.m., to RSVP.
• Sunday, Feb. 25, 1 p.m.: Barnes & Noble, Ala Moana Center: Poetry reading and book signing.
• Saturday, March 3, 1 p.m.: Basically Books (1672 Kamehameha Ave. in Hilo): Poetry reading and book signing.
Frances will also be in Hawaii soon! Stop by and say “Hello”
• Saturday, Feb. 24, 9:30-11:30 a.m. at Church of the Holy Nativity Main Sanctuary (5286 Kalanianaole Hwy., park across in the church parking lot): Keynote Address: “Dignity, Joy and Compassion in Giving Care.” Free, although RSVP requested. Please call Akira at (808) 373-2131, Monday through Thursday, 9 a.m. to 1 p.m., to RSVP.
• Sunday, Feb. 25, 1 p.m.: Barnes & Noble, Ala Moana Center: Poetry reading and book signing.
• Saturday, March 3, 1 p.m.: Basically Books (1672 Kamehameha Ave. in Hilo): Poetry reading and book signing.
Frances Kakugawa was her mother’s primary caregiver during her five-year journey with Alzheimer’s disease. A native of Kapoho on Hawai‘i island, she now lives in Sacramento. Frances has melded her professional training as a writer and educator and her personal caregiving experiences to write several books on caring for people with memory-related illnesses. She is a sought-after speaker, both in Hawai‘i and on the Mainland, sharing strategies for caregiving, as well as coping with the stresses of caregiving.
